317049_10150371506294651_424554117_nI miss you. Everyday. But I try not to think about you. The way you treated my siblings, your children, makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Their hate is palpable and complete. Sometimes, I think they look at me and see you, and maybe hate me a little too. I was the one you babied, because I was your baby. But I miss you. Sometimes, your memory breaks through the walls I built up around it and I FEEL you. I remember your smell, the way I felt safe when you hugged me. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t, because you didn’t show them that love, not like you showed me. But I was the baby.

Sometimes, I’m angry at you, for what you’ve done. Until I remember that you were sick, mentally. Maybe you don’t deserve their hate, but does that mean you deserve their love. After your death, when the siblings opened my eyes to your unkindness, I forced myself not to feel. I forced myself to stop missing you. I forced myself to stop loving you. Locking you away in a darkroom in the recesses of my mind. I hide the pain away. No one knows how much it hurts to not have you in my life. To be in this world and to have been handed such a shitty lot in life. I make do with what I have and am always trying to make it better, but… I’m numb. Locking you out, locking you away, has made me numb. I felt like I can’t love you because of what you’ve done to them.

I don’t blame you. And I certainly don’t blame them. I hope you are freed from whatever broke you in this life. I do blame myself. I constantly ask, “Why? Why do I continue?” I don’t want to be here. I wish you hadn’t brought me into this world. There is nothing special about this world or about me. Living in the shadows of much better people like my siblings makes me feel worthless. I will never be what they are or what they want me to be. I can’t make them proud of who I am.

The shadow of you rest heavy on me. Why did you go? Why did you bring me here? Just…why? I think I miss you, but I can’t tell. I’m numb. I haven’t cried in a long time. I don’t even think I can love. I’m certainly undeserving of love. Am I as broken as you were?

Love,

Your daughter.

Your very confused daughter.

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